[ Introduction | Dated Shows | All Shows | Theme Song ]

It Pays To Be Ignorant

Quizmaster:	Tom Howard
Panelists:	Harry McNaughton Lulu McConnell George Shelton
Announcer:	Ken Roberts
Music:	Dr. Nat Novic

Harry McNaughton, Lulu McConnell, George Shelton, Tom Howard

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Introduction

Harry McNaughton, George Shelton and the "Nail-Up Girl" Lulu McConnell were the panelists, with Tom Howard as the quizmaster in this hilarious spoof of quiz shows. The panelists were billed as the dumbest people on the planet, and proceeded to spend the next half hour proving that fact. When asked questions like "What color is the Little Red Schoolhouse?", they attempt to clarify the query by asking completely irrelevant questions, interrupting each other, talking in circles, and following dead end discussions in a vain attempt to find the answer.

Each show opens with:
     theme fanfare
     Howard: What is a reigning beauty?   (replace by Q/A's below)
     Shelton:A girl who's all wet.
     Howard: Correct. Pay that man $8.00
     theme fanfare
     Howard: If four frankfurters cost 10 cents, what is 500 frankfurters?
     Shelton:A lot of bologna.
     Howard: Correct. Pay that man $9.00 because...
     announcer: It Pays To Be Ignorant
     theme up full

After Tom is introduced, he introduces Harry as the celebrated author on the panel, mentioning the title of this week's book, like "The Tree of Knowledge or Don't Be Fooled by Pretty Limbs". Harry will then read his latest poem, under duress.

Lulu is introduced next, usually with a barrage of terms like Melon-Collie Baby (she only has one tooth, like a baby, as well as the standard insult), Miss Death Valley of 1944, or "here's a woman who should have been born in the Dark Ages because she looks terrible in the light". Then in a raspy saw-blade voice she tells the trouble her old man got into or some such. When a male member of the audience is introduced, her main interest is his first name and marital status.

George is introduced last, with the implication that he couldn't outthink a comatose flea. When an audience member mentions the town they're from, George inevitably "used to work in that town!" and he'd tell everyone the dumbest job you can imagine.

Music interludes are generally a classical and contemporary hodgepodge, sometimes straight, sometime very Spike Jonesish, and usually with the mikes open as Tom and the panelist comment and ridicule the music and orchestra. The music leader is a mystery to me. He's always introduced as "Dr. Nat Novic" but Tom thanks "Johnny" after the opening theme. According to Dunning, while the show was on Mutual, music was handled by Tom's son, Tom. Then, on CBS, the orchestra leader was Harry Salter. So I don't really know who did what when.

As intellectual quiz shows grew in popularity, Bob Howell of WELI, New Haven, Conn. put together an outline for a quiz show parody. Ruth Howard created the test script and sold it to the promoter with her father as the moderator. Tom Howard and George Shelton were in vaudeville together, Harry McNaughton from England and American radio comedy, and Lulu McConnell also from vaudeville.

Many shows are undated, and edited (badly) for AFRS broadcast. According to Jay Hickerson's Ultimate log, about 43 shows are in circulation, and all are dated. I just haven't found the dated ones yet...

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Dated Shows

Date Guest	First teaser question answer	Second teaser question answer
	Tom Howard's introduction to the show

10/04/43	What is a reigning beauty? A girl who's all wet.	If four frankfurters cost 10 cents, what is 500 frankfurters? A lot of bologna.
	Well, here we are with that daffy quiz program again with a board of experts who are such boors that they make termites look like amateurs.
8/25/44	How can you tell a Jersey Cow? By it's license plates.	What kind of a person lives the longest? A rich relative.
	Here we are again with that quiz program about which all of America's greatest educators have said "Phooey!"
9/01/44	What did the little dog say when he sat on the sandpaper? Ruff, ruff.	Why don't the girls in Sun Valley take sun baths? Because the mountains peak.
	Here is that quiz program again which has all the educators hollering "Uncle."
9/08/44	What is an optimist? A person who does a crossword puzzle in ink.	What do they call the inhabitants of Egypt? People.
	Well, here it is again, that quiz program which is making the monkeys think they're pretty smart.
9/29/44 Leo Durocher	Why do some people eat with their knives? To sharpen their appetites.	Name 3 famous opera stars. John Charles Thomas
	Well, here we are again with that quiz program that is fast becoming an institution, and that's where it belongs.
10/06/44 Deems Taylor	Why do people eat garlic? So they can find them in the dark.	How do you make anti-freeze? Hide her pajamas
	We have a board of experts who are so dumb they think the Mayor of New York is a horse.
10/13/44 Roland Young	Do married men live longer than single men? No, it only seems longer.	On which side do you milk a cow? On the outside.
	Well, here we are again with that quiz program that as an educational feature should be in the hall of fame, because it's a bust.
10/27/44	Can a letter box? No, but a sardine can.	Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? At the bottom.
	Well, Friday means fish, so here's that fishy quiz program again...
11/03/44 Shirley Booth	What is a swimming pool? A crowd of people with water in it.	What is a slowest thing on Earth? A nudist trying to get through a barbed wire fence.
	Here we are again with the quiz program in which, and I say this with all modesty, has met with more disdain than any other program on the air.
11/10/44 Adolf Menjou	What happens when you eat garlic? You get lonesome.	What is a miser? A man who eats mice.
	Well, here we are again with that quiz program that's known far and wide for it's nuisance value.
11/17/44 Harry Hirshfield	Why is kissing a girl like opening a bottle of olives? The first is hard to get, but the rest comes easy.	What is an organ recital? A bunch of women talking about their operations.
	Well, it's here again, that quiz program which is the last word, but we're not permitted to mention the word.
12/29/44 Man Mountain Dean	What is a New Year's Resolution? Something that goes in one year and out the other.	What is an icicle? A stiff piece of water.
	Well, here it is again, the quiz program which is making the monkeys think they're pretty smart.
04/06/45	Do you believe in clubs for women? Yes, but only when kindness fails.	What is a hat? Something the average man wears, the beggar passes around, the statesman throws in the
	ring, and the politician talks through. Once again we disturb your peace of mind with that 'you can expect anything' quiz program It Pays to be Ignorant.
9/07/45	What is love? Softening of the hearteries	What is marriage? A business in which the husband is the silent partner.
	Well, here is that rat-race again entitled It Pays To Be Ignorant.
10/05/45	What is a window? Something you use to look through a brick wall with.	What letters of the alphabet come after the letter 'A'? All of them.
	Yes, we are here again with that quiz program known as Idiots Delight, with a board of experts who are so dumb that they think an autobiography has four wheels.
1/05/48	Why do wedding bells ring? Because someone pulls the rope.	What do they call little cats in Ireland? Kittens.
	Today's the day, the place is New York City, the program is It Pays to be Ignorant. A program that just asks questions and never gets any answers
3/13/49	What is a baby sitter? A person who receives hush money.	What is the most useless thing in the world? A glass eye at a keyhole.
	Well, here we are again with another session of that slap-happy quiz program It Pays To Be Ignorant -- a program that promises you nothing and that's just exactly what you're gonna get.

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All shows

ordered by first question

10/27/44	Can a letter box? No, but a sardine can.	Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? At the bottom.
	Well, Friday means fish, so here's that fishy quiz program again...
10/13/44 Roland Young	Do married men live longer than single men? No, it only seems longer.	On which side do you milk a cow? On the outside.
	Well, here we are again with that quiz program that as an educational feature should be in the hall of fame, because it's a bust.
04/06/45	Do you believe in clubs for women? Yes, but only when kindness fails.	What is a hat? Something the average man wears, the beggar passes around, the statesman throws in the ring, and the politician talks through.
	Once again we disturb your peace of mind with that 'you can expect anything' quiz program It Pays to be Ignorant.
8/25/44	How can you tell a Jersey Cow? By it's license plates.	What kind of a person lives the longest? A rich relative.
	Here we are again with that quiz program about which all of America's greatest educators have said "Phooey!"
??	How does a stove feel when it's full of coal? Very grate full.	If a farmer raises 200 bushels of wheat in dry weather, what does he raise in wet weather? An umbrella.
	Once more we're here again with that quiz program for people who enjoy the simple minded things in life.
9/01/44	What did the little dog say when he sat on the sandpaper? Ruff, ruff.	Why don't the girls in Sun Valley take sun baths? Because the mountains peak.
	Here is that quiz program again which has all the educators hollering "Uncle."
??	What do we call the inhabitants of Egypt? People.	What are millionaires? Poor people with lots of money.
	We have a board of experts who are so dumb they think a daffydill is a crazy pickle.
??	What does a bee get in flower? His head and shoulders.	Why is our language called the Mother Tongue? Because Father never gets a chance to use it.
	Once again we bring you that radio program for people with an inferiority complex.
??	What happened in 1776? In what hotel?	What's the difference between a sleepy man and a sleepy woman? A sleepy man has a hard time keeping his eyes open. A sleepy woman has a hard time keeping her mouth shut.
	Here we are again with another session of that quiz program that's making morons out of educated people.
11/10/44 Adolf Menjou	What happens when you eat garlic? You get lonesome.	What is a miser? A man who eats mice.
	Well, here we are again with that quiz program that's known far and wide for it's nuisance value.
12/29/44 Man Mountain Dean	What is a New Year's Resolution? Something that goes in one year and out the other.	What is an icicle? A stiff piece of water.
	Well, here it is again, the quiz program which is making the monkeys think they're pretty smart.
3/13/49	What is a baby sitter? A person who receives hush money.	What is the most useless thing in the world? A glass eye at a keyhole.
	Well, here we are again with another session of that slap-happy quiz program It Pays To Be Ignorant -- a program that promises you nothing and that's just exactly what you're gonna get.
??	What is a bargain sale? A place where a woman ruins one dress to buy another.	Why do men flirt with waitresses? Because they're playing for big steaks.
	Well, here we are again ready for another discussion with those disgusting experts in a quiz program entitled It Pays To Be Ignorant.
??	What is a blotter? Something you look for while the ink drys.	How do you make money fast? Glue it to the floor.
	Well, here we are again with that under privileged, under nourished, and under slung quiz program It Pays To Be Ignorant.
??	What is a duck? A chicken with snowshoes on.	Does courtship make a fellow spoon? Yes, but marriage makes him fork over.
	Well, here we are again with that quiz program that for all people over 35 who are still in the second grade.
??	What is a fox? A man who gets what the wolf is after.	Why is a woman like a tube of toothpaste? Because you've got to squeeze them both to get anything out of them.
	Well, you've all heard of the March of Time, but here comes the program known as a waste of time.
??	What is a hospitable dog? One who will give you a bite anytime.	Why do young women put their hair up in papers? To wake up curly in the morning.
	Here we are again with that question and answer program that never gets the answers.
??	What is a mother-in-law? A tough sergeant with bloomers.	What is a flea? An insect that's gone to the dogs.
	Once again we bring you that quiz program designed to stop the progress of education.
10/04/43	What is a reigning beauty? A girl who's all wet.	If four frankfurters cost 10 cents, what is 500 frankfurters? A lot of bologna.
	Well, here we are with that daffy quiz program again with a board of experts who are such boors that they make termites look like amateurs.
11/03/44 Shirley Booth	What is a swimming pool? A crowd of people with water in it.	What is a slowest thing on Earth? A nudist trying to get through a barbed wire fence.
	Here we are again with the quiz program in which, and I say this with all modesty, has met with more disdain than any other program on the air.
??	What is a window screen? Something to keep flies inside the house.	What is a bathing beauty? A girl with a nice profile all the way down.
	Well here's that quiz program again with the board of experts who consists of three people whose brain has been in quarantine ever since the day they were born.
10/05/45	What is a window? Something you use to look through a brick wall with.	What letters of the alphabet come after the letter 'A'? All of them.
	Yes, we are here again with that quiz program known as Idiots Delight, with a board of experts who are so dumb that they think an autobiography has four wheels.
9/08/44	What is an optimist? A person who does a crossword puzzle in ink.	What do they call the inhabitants of Egypt? People.
	Well, here it is again, that quiz program which is making the monkeys think they're pretty smart.
9/07/45	What is love? Softening of the hearteries	What is marriage? A business in which the husband is the silent partner.
	Well, here is that rat-race again entitled It Pays To Be Ignorant.
?? Kate Smith	What kind of a person lives longest? A rich relative	How do you make anti-freeze? Hide her pajamas
	Well, here is that quiz program that should be in the hall of fame, because it's a bust.
?? Patsy Kelly	What's the best way to keep your bills down? Use a paperweight.	What is a pedestrian? A married man who owns a car.
	Well, it's here again, that quiz program that's the cause for so many schools opening early this year.
??	Where do the bugs go in the wintertime? Search me! No thanks	If I had $10 and I took half of it, what would I have? A fractured skull.
	Well, here we are coming at you again with another session of It Pays To Be Ignorant, a quiz program that has become a household word -- but we're not permitted to tell you the word.
??	Why are women like the ocean? Because they never dry up.	Why doesn't a regular soldier sit down? Because he belongs to the standing army.
	Here we are again with that quiz program designed for cylinder heads. If you like sophisticated humor, we haven't got it.
10/06/44 Deems Taylor	Why do people eat garlic? So they can find them in the dark.	How do you make anti-freeze? Hide her pajamas
	We have a board of experts who are so dumb they think the Mayor of New York is a horse.
9/29/44 Leo Durocher	Why do some people eat with their knives? To sharpen their appetites.	Name 3 famous opera stars. John Charles Thomas
	Well, here we are again with that quiz program that is fast becoming an institution, and that's where it belongs.
1/05/48	Why do wedding bells ring? Because someone pulls the rope.	What do they call little cats in Ireland? Kittens.
	Today's the day, the place is New York City, the program is It Pays to be Ignorant. A program that just asks questions and never gets any answers
??	Why does the subway have to raise the fare? Because they're always in a hole.	What is a honeymoon? The thrill of a wifetime
	Once again we bring you that quiz program with the board of experts who are so dumb they think an officer's mess is the captain's wife.
11/17/44 Harry Hirshfield	Why is kissing a girl like opening a bottle of olives? The first is hard to get, but the rest comes easy.	What is an organ recital? A bunch of women talking about their operations.
	Well, it's here again, that quiz program which is the last word, but we're not permitted to mention the word.
?? (skips)	(something about a club) (something about ink)	(something about a chicken can't sit down) (standing up under the strain)
	(skip) program again that belongs in the hall (skip). We have a board of experts are so (skip) some kind of a boat.

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Theme Song


From 11/17/44 show:	One day as I was walking Down the avenue, I met a funny fellow With a funny point of view.
	He didn't have a brain cell Working in his head, But he was very happy And this is what he said:
Chorus:	It pays to be ignorant, To be dumb, to be dense, To be ignorant. It pays to be ignorant, Just like me.
	It's best not to know too much, Be a dope, Your I.Q. Shouldn't show too much. Your brain shouldn't grow too much, Wait and see.
	I took my girl to dinner, We had a wonderful feed. They had to give my girl the check Because I couldn't read.
Chorus:	(So you see) It pays to be ignorant, Have no brain, Be insane, Just be ignorant. It pays to be ignorant Just like me
From various other shows:	When I was just a school kid I wasn't awfully bright, I had a pretty teacher who Made me stay in each night.
	Each week I earn six dollars, My brain is terribly lax. But when there is no income There ain't no income tax.
and for the war effort:	I never mention our planes, Planes or ships or our tanks, Ol' Adolf never learned a thing To hurt our fighting yanks.
Chorus:	It pays to be ignorant, Have no brain, to be inane, To be ignorant. It pays to be ignorant, Just like me.

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The panelist's combined IQ is [an error occurred while processing this directive]

It Pays To Be Ignorant

Quizmaster:

Tom Howard

Panelists:

Harry McNaughton Lulu McConnell George Shelton

Announcer:

Ken Roberts

Music:

Dr. Nat Novic

Introduction

Dated Shows

All shows

ordered by first question

Theme Song

Harry McNaughton
Lulu McConnell
George Shelton